I LOVE FOOD Genesis 1:29

I love food. I'm not going to pretend that I don't. I find myself saying sometimes...why can't these delicious things be healthier for you? Then as silly as it may sound for those who don't understand...I felt the Lord tell me, "Of course Melissa, don't you think I had that in mind when I made you?!"...and it hit me...did you ever eat a piece of fruit and think ...why is this so good? Like I pulled it out of the ground and it was ready to eat! How awesome is our God? I'm trying to lose weight so I log in all my food intake daily and I eat a TON of fresh fruit and vegetables. They are so low in calories and sugar but loaded with healthy nutrients our bodies need. Even my precious chocolate, the Heaven to my mouth, comes from the ground. I mean...how AWESOME is our God?? He knew and He provided...So I'm happily dumping my bag of chips or loafs of man made bread and picking up the food my Father prepared for  me... Oranges freshly picked from the tree...tomatoes fresh off the vine...grapes right off the bushels...strawberries!! my favorite!!! right off the bush ...yummmmmmmy! Thank You Father <3 I LOOOOOOOOOVE YOU

Genesis 1:29
And God said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food.

We All Have Our Cross To Bear

If we are going to be followers of Jesus Christ, we have to deny ourselves and take up the cross. What do you mean by take up the cross? 
People use this phrase today “well we all have our cross to bear” referring to struggles we have throughout life. But here’s the bottom line, your cross to bear is not whatever you find difficult in life. Your cross to bear is “dying to self”; through death do you find life.
You may say “I still don’t understand; what does it mean to die to self?”
Let me give you some examples:

To die to self means…forgiving instead of harboring that grudge.

To die to self means…resisting that temptation to do what everyone else does when you know its wrong.

To die to self means…not having sex before marriage and being faithful to your spouse after.

To die to self means…to put down the remote control and pick up the bible and read it.

To die to self means…to pray when you would rather be sleeping.

To die to self means…to swallow your pride and tell someone about Jesus Christ.

To die to yourself means …to do what God wants you to do and not what you want to do.

Are you dying to yourself and taking up the cross? The fact is when you do this you will experience joy and over flowing life. Paul put it this way in Galations 2:20 “I am crucified with Christ; nevertheless I live…Yet not I but Christ lives in me and the life that I now live, I live for the faith of the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” ~ Greg Laurie

My First Year With Jesus

This past year I have really gotten to know the Lord and He has radically changed me from the inside out. I used to get so annoyed with my husband when he would tell me that I needed to change bc I was too proud to admit that even "perfect Melissa" needed improvement. I was too proud to admit that my "relationship" with God was nothing more of me making and idol God of my own imagination; a nothing, a nonexistent entity that had no purpose in my life except for me to be politically correct. Thank You Father for seeking my husband and through him seeking me. I praise you Jesus, I love youuuuuuuuuuuu so so so much! More than ANYTHING! God bless you everyone! There is power in the name of Jesus to break EVERY chain my friends! If you think there's no hope, PICK UP A BIBLE! I picked up that bible thinking I was good! I wasn't going to change...God opened my eyes and lifted the blinds that were on me for my entire life! I'm free! Call me crazy, that's not you talking my friends. You won't find peace and happiness in the things of this world...they will always leave you wanting MORE. I am FULL! Full to capacity with Jesus! My cup is OVER filling, renewing every day! Hallelujah

Our Job As Christians

"Look here's my job, and yours (as Christians) for that matter; it is to get the gospel out to as many people as possible. I'm not in the job of "converting" people. I'm not in the job of "saving" people, that's not what I do; that's what God does. But my job description is to proclaim the gospel and pray in hopes that seed will land on receptive soil..
Having said that, if a person does put their faith in Jesus Christ, I do think we can assure them of their salvation. Why? Because the bible does!

In 1 John 10 it says;
'Anyone who believes in the Son of God has his testimony in their heart'

In Romans 8:16 it says;
'God's spirit bear's witness with our spirit that we our the children of God'

In John 5:24 it says;
'I tell you the truth, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins, but they have already passed from death into life.'

And my favorite
In 1 John 5:13 it says;
'I have written this to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may know you have eternal life'

It is a beautiful thing where God will give us the assurance of our salvation" ~Pastor Greg Laurie

No Hope for the World?

Do you watch the news? Does it bring you down? I know it brings me down...
If we spend our lives constantly looking to the news for "hope" we come to the conclusion that this world we live in is hopeless.

You won't find hope in television, no hope in newspapers, no hope in whatever source you use to read the media. 

This world we live in is constantly seeking to let us feel hope-less. 

But friends!!!!!! Don't believe the devil's lies...there is hope! You just are looking to the wrong source.

All hope lies within Jesus Christ! Jesus is our Lord and Savior!

Romans 12:12
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope
Isaiah 40:31
But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint
Romans 5:2-5
Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.
Psalm 39:7
And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.
Mark 9:23
And Jesus said to him, "If you can! All things are possible for one who believes."

Seek God's word daily! Our hope, our ONLY hope lies within Jesus Christ! Don't pay attention to the world....GIVE UP THE WORLD AND FIND  HEAVEN!!!! THIS IS GOD'S PROMISE TO US! GOD BLESS YOU FRIENDS

God Speaks!

Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Thank You Father for this day! We praise you! Hallelujah!

Hey friends! God bless you all...

So I sometimes tell folks, "God spoke to me and this is what he said..." and often they ask, "what do you mean He spoke to you?"

So this morning I had a perfect example of how the Lord speaks to us.

I try my very best to get into God's word first thing but being a working mother with kids in school its very hard to get time with our Father. I'm beginning to realize its time I started waking up extra early so that I can have more peace and alone time with Him before I get my day started. Discipline will have to occur for that because I have a hard time getting out of bed. Having a 1 yr old at home who wakes up at night, tends to leave me clinging to the bed in the morning...but that's besides the point.

Any how, during my morning rush this morning I began speaking to God and saying the usual, "Good morning Father, Good morning Jesus, I bless you, I pray for you, I worship you..." but then I stopped myself and said, no I need to get down on my knees and slow down for the Lord. 

So I did, I pressed pause on the "mom" button and got on my knees and prayed for the day. I always have this super over whelming sense that I need to do more for the Lord so I asked in my prayer for God to show me what more I can do for Him. I want to be all that I can be for Him and I feel like I'm not doing enough. 

So on the way to work I was listening to the local christian radio station and Ron Hutchcraft was speaking. I was so grateful to God for using Ron to speak to me. Ron's message was a little something like this:

Have you ever felt obligated to do GREAT things for the Lord? Have you felt that what you do is not enough? Do you feel there is so much MORE you can do?

Listen folks the bible does not say we are to do GREAT works...it says "good works"

Ephesians 2:10 
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which god prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Matthew 5:16
In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

...God knows our circumstances and we have to trust that we are where He wants us to be in our lives. We give up the course of our own lives and trust in Jesus to guide us on His right path. Whatever God put in our way throughout our days, we have to be a reflection of Jesus and show our good works. God's works may be raising the spirits of a friend who feels down or complimenting our children on their school work, or perhaps calling an old friend who we haven't spoken to in a while. It could be giving a friendly smile to a stranger, it can be helping a neighbor with yard work...whatever good we can do in our daily lives let it all be to the glory of God! 


I mean WOW! God spoke right to me, to answer the prayer I said to him just MINUTES before listening to Ron speak on the radio on  my way to work! Remember whatever your life circumstance in life, once you give up your life to Christ Jesus, you our on God's path! He will guide your life right and bring people or circumstances to you, for you to do good in His name. This isn't about US folks...its about Jesus! Its about our Father! Bring Him in ALL you do! Then you are doing the will of our Father...you are on Jesus' path. AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!! All Glory be to God in the Highest! Hallelujah!

This is how God speaks friends! We have to pay attention. Let go and let God! We have to realize we are not in control...I am not in control. I will make sure in all that I do, I do for the good and for the glory of God. AMEN! 

He hears your prayers...He speaks friends! Listen....

♫ Flippin' Your Fins You Don't Get Too Far ♫

“If only I can make him understand. I just don’t see things the way he does.
I don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things… could be bad”
~Ariel

This song has been stuck in my head for days so I figured God was trying to tell me something because I haven't seen this movie in a long time for me to even think of this song…

Particularly the part that says “I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I know something’s starting right now” has been stuck in my head. This part resonates with  me because I can feel Jesus’ return drawing near. I can feel something really destructive in the midst for this world. Evil is alive and the time is drawing near.

I’m a mom people settle down…Disney songs get trapped in my mind sometimes.

But I really started to think about this song and realize…wow. Incredible symbolism.

Here is a girl whose part of a different world (Christians, Heaven) who is seriously attracted to this other world (humanity, earth). She longs for the human world just as we as humans hold onto life on earth. She was attracted to all the wonderful thing the human world had to offer and couldn't understand how a world that made such great stuff, could be so bad.

Non-believers are conflicted in the same way because they are blinded by the ruler of this world, Satan. He tricks them with technology, hollywood, media, politics, promises of "peace" etc. They see the earth for all its “gadgets and gizmos” and they refuse to see the truth of God’s word.

Now Ariel’s father knew better and knew that he didn’t want that world for her. What he had in store for her under the sea was more than she could ever imagine and hope for… She didn’t belong with the humans, because she wasn’t part of that world. We all know how the story ends but for my blog sake I'm just talking about the song...

Remember what Jesus said in John 18:36

“My kingdom is not of this world”

We as Christians are part of that kingdom in Heaven…that glorious kingdom and we have to remember that. Yes we may long for humanity but we have to put all that aside and live our lives according to our true home, our true King, to the true kingdom of which we are born from!

Like Ariel’s father, our Father in Heaven knows better and shows us in His might word, The Holy Bible, that we are to seek Him and Jesus and find Heaven; our true home; where  we will have true peace, happiness, and unimaginable bliss.

Stay seeking Heaven my brothers and sisters…keep your eyes watchful on Jesus and stay replenished in God’s word daily; it will keep your heart,  mind, body, and soul guided right towards home with Jesus and our Father. It’s our defense against the enemy! We need to put on God’s word and be a reflection of His son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Let go of the temptation of the world! Give up the world and find Heaven!!!! God bless you all!

The Easter Hat

Hello again friends! Praise be to God! Thank you Jesus our Lord and Savior for granting us a new day! Each day is a gift and let us be grateful forever in your name! Amen!

So my son Michael, 5yrs old, has an Easter hat parade today at school. Now I know the world wants us all to conform to bunnies & candy but we know the truth. 

My son had to make an Easter hat and stick all the things that remind him of spring on the hat. He wanted Jesus to be on his hat because though he is only 5, he is developing a strong relationship with the Lord. He knows the meaning of Easter and definitely wanted Jesus to be on his spring time hat.

Now this got me thinking; Praise be to God that my 5 yr old can humble himself and wear Jesus proudly. Now I know he's only 5 and still hasn't really developed his emotions. But it really got me thinking, man, how many of us Christians hide our beliefs from others?

Now I'm not saying because we are Christians we need to "brag" about how "righteous" we are...no friends. But what I am saying is I find it so surprising how many people I come into contact with that say they are Christians when they've never spoke about it. They've never shared a scripture, they've never boasted of the name of Jesus. They've never spoke of the miracles and wonders of God. 

Call me crazy but I thought it is our duty as Christians to spread the Gospel of Jesus?! I know that I am no better than any of you but really hearing my son say, "Hey mom I want Jesus on  my hat and I want him on the FRONT!" really put my faith into perspective. 

Is my son going to face persecution today? Possibly. Is he going to understand it? Probably not. But aren't we all supposed to be like small children in the presence of our Lord? Can we learn a thing or two from my 5 yr old? I believe we can...

We already know we are going to face persecution in Jesus' name. That much is written in God's word. But how many of us our WILLING to face that persecution for Jesus? All I am saying is, I am, I know my husband is, and praise be to God for guiding them right, I am grateful our children are.

Now I know there are things we need to do in private...such as fasting, prayer, etc. My friends I'm not speaking of boasting in our faithful acts...no no. I'm speaking purely of boasting in the good news of our Lord and Savior!

My son was so excited to see Jesus on his hat, he practically shoved the hat in my  husband's face and said "Dad, JESUS! is on my hat!"

Let us all be overcome with joy and excitement to shout out loud the name of Jesus! Don't hide him! Speak of him! It is your duty! 

Praise be to God! God bless you all 

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GIVE UP THE WORLD FIND HEAVEN

Gifts of the Holy Spirit

Praise God & Good Morning!!!!  Its early Wednesday morning where I am @ in CT USA…

Friends I have to tell you about the amazing gift the Lord blessed me with yesterday!

First, I have to go back to last week with my husband. Praise God he was baptized by the Holy Spirit last week and received the gift of tongues, our secret language the Devil can’t understand. Its our direct link to the Lord Almighty!

But I have to admit…I was a little WEIRDED out when he told me this. You see, I never understood tongues. I just thought it was craziness. But I’m a baby Christian so I know that there are SO many wonders of God that I am unaware of. I heard my husband do this and I couldn’t deny it was a gift from God. It was very emotional for him and I was amazed. Just by listening to him I could tell he might not be speaking words but he was speaking a language…I knew God was receiving his message.

But last week I was going through m y tribulation. The devil kept trying to attack me, whispering thoughts of “unworthiness” to me. Trying to make me feel that I was a liar, a deceiver, just no good and that God would want no part of me in Heaven. I rebuked those thoughts but then he send the spirit of gloom and the spirit of depression upon me to taunt me. I again rebuked those feelings but they were a heavy burden upon me. I noticed my patience with my children was running low, my sarcastic attitude towards my husband was getting worse…I know I had to continue to fight!

But the Lord became my strength and pulled me through! He told me to dedicate one full day to him and only him and I did that yesterday.

I stood off my networks, my cell phone, my tv and just gave myself fully to the Lord. I began to pray out to the Lord Almighty just to t hank Jesus and to speak directly to him…As I was praying I felt something come over me. It started at my head then I was just completely engulfed….then as I was praying out loud, my words became hidden under strange sounds rolling off my tongue. I wasn’t making sense audibly, but mentally I knew what I was saying. The tears started to flow and I was in an intense trance. My body began to sway back and forth and I could no longer hold my head up. It sort of flopped onto my shoulders. I continued to speak in tongues; praying to the Lord.

This lasted for a little while as I was at work and was interrupted. But it took me a few moments to regain my sense of awareness. I was just in such a trance that I needed to refocus myself on my surroundings.

I found a private place and got back down on my knees thanking my Father for baptizing me with a gift of the Holy Spirit.

At night after I tucked everyone in and was alone, I prayed again. The same thing happened…I fell into a trance being completely engulfed in the Holy Spirit and my prayers that I was saying out loud slowly became me speaking in tongues, still praying. Its very emotional when this happens…I can’t tell you how amazing it feels though. I feel light, I feel lifted. 

I know some of you are going to say “she’s crazy” …I don’t get this tongues thing…it sounds nuts…blah blah. I’m here to tell you I get it! I thought the same way!!!! But we are wrong and we have to be willing to accept all the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

If we truly want to be baptized in the Holy Spirit and follow Jesus we can’t pick and choose the gifts that we want to have. Its not a dinner menu…We have to be willing and actually PRAYING for ALL the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Seek speaking in tongues, seek healing, seek wisdom, etc! Accept everything the Lord blesses you with! Baptize me Father I will accept everything you wish to instill within me! Thy will be done Father! THY will be done!!!!

In Jesus Holy Name I pray that our Father blesses each and every one of you! God bless <3

What I've Been Going Through...

Hey everyone!

I hope everyone is having a blessed day, getting into the word, the truth of God and being a soldier for our Lord and savior Jesus Christ! We are in biblical times my friends and we have to daily prepare ourselves for the tribulation period and put on our armor for the Lord!

So I wanted to share with you what I’ve been personally going through. It’s been a battle for my mind my friends…The devil has been trying to plant seeds of doubt and seeds of worthlessness within me. I’ve been sulking my friends…truly feeling broken down and unworthy.  I’ve been in the scripture daily and feeling the Holy Spirit but also feeling a huge emptiness. It’s almost half-hearted on my part.

I have been feeling like I’m not doing enough for the Lord. I share scripture on my facebook and twitter. I even made a facebook page dedicated to the word of God and His Holy gospel. Still I just feel like I need to do more…like I’m not measuring up!

I know this is the work of the devil! Pray for me friends as I continue to fight for the Lord! I know I am doing all that I can and the Holy Spirit of the Lord is always going to call me to do more but I know that I am LOVED and I am worthy! I know my Father in Heaven loves me and sees me! I rebuke any feelings the enemy is trying to instill in me! I am not invisible! He may be keeping his one eye on me but the Lord has two eyes open! He can’t do a thing! He is powerless in the name of Jesus!

I am still learning and studying my Father’s Holy word and I know that I am allowing and WELCOMING the Holy Spirit to make changes in my life. It’s been the hardest challenge for me to be completely ridden of myself and filled with the Lord. I’m struggling through this stage in following Jesus but I WELCOME the changes with all my mind, body, heart, and soul! Empty me of myself LORD!!!! Fill me up with YOU!

Please friends, don’t let the enemy attack us! Yes we have to live our lives and provide for our families but please, instead of coming home and reaching for the remote…reach for your bibles! Come together as a family and fight the good fight! We have to daily prepare ourselves for the coming of the Lord! We have to be watching…the world out there is changing and she’s changing fast! He is coming, we NEED Him to come! The Lord hears our cries my friends! Be prepared!

I too have been quick to watch a show or read a book without getting into the word of God first but I’m putting that aside! I am meditating in the Holy Spirit…I am seeking my father FIRST! I am letting go of my selfishness…I am giving into the Holy Spirit. I’m even going to try my best to get into a weekly fast and dedicating that entire day to the Lord and only the Lord. NO FOOD, NO TV, NO FACEBOOK, NO RADIO, NO NOTHING until the Holy Spirit has run through me and God has used me for HIS purpose and HIS purpose alone!

We are in this together my friends! Let us pray for one another and live our lives for our Father! In Jesus’ Holy name let us live our lives! Let us prepare for our King’s homecoming and be ready to stand at the battle lines alongside Him. Prepare me Father! Prepare all of us! I am praying for you friends! God bless!

~Melissa

Amazing Grace

I am aware there are people on my facebook that get annoyed with my Jesus loving statuses. I can hear their thoughts in my mind saying “oh bc I don’t believe in Jesus I’m not a good person?! …I’m not going to heaven?! I am a nice person, I am kind, I do good in life, I’m a good mother/father/daught/son, I work hard for my family…I’m a happy person…etc” Well if you feel that YOU are YOUR own salvation and that YOUR works in life are well enough to keep you HAPPY; then my friends YOU have made YOURSELF and idol. You have created yourself to be the GOD of your life. And that my friends, is where your fault lies.

Jesus didn’t come down from Heaven to save the HAPPY! He came to save the broken, the desperate, the lowly, the ones who felt worthless! The grieving, the desolate, the lonely, the sad, the needy! The ones who were taught to hate their wretched selves!!!

We all know the song!

“Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound

That saved a WRETCH like me”

Jesus is HERE for you! For all you lost ones…but he’s also here for you “happy” folks …remember the next lines of that song?

“I once was lost but now I’m found

Was BLIND but now I see”

You are blinded by your own happiness to the truth! Let Jesus awaken the truth in you just as he has in me! I am no better than anyone! But I know that Jesus saved me…he picked me up and took the blind folds off my eyes!  Thank you Father!!!! Thank YOU!

I used to think these things myself! I couldn’t have been more wrong. I picked up a bible and I slowly began to know God. And then one day it hit me! He HIT me! He awakened me and I refuse to EVER go back to the ME in my life…I am now living for Jesus! And just in case you are wondering, it really is SO much better!

Have you ever heard someone refer to Jesus as their "homie"...well my friends its time we start showing respect! Jesus humbled himself to come down here and be our friend and eat amongst us...but his sacrifice for our existence has to be respected and glorified! He is the KING OF KINGS! Let us give Him Praise! Lord Jesus, You are our savior! You are our hero! You are the King of Kings, Lord of Lord! All praise be to You!

Don't believe the devil's lies!

Don’t believe the devil and his lies! You know when you get hurt by someone you trust, you say to yourself “I’m never trusting another person again…or I’m only looking out for myself…I will never let anyone get close to me ever again” …These are the lies that the devil wants us to believe! That all we need is ourselves!

Life hits us and we are cowards! Instead of get back up to give it another try, we QUIT!  I used to feed into the devil’s lies and think I was a coward for not leaving a bad situation…I stuck it out and got back up on my feet and didn’t give in. Sure I thought I was foolish and pathetic for staying but still, I didn’t leave my bad situation. I didn’t leave the person that was continually breaking my trust. But I still believed the lies and thought I was a coward to stay…I was stupid to stay…I was hopeless…I believed I was all the things I was told I was from those closest to me.

When my situation finally changed for the better, over time I came to realize that I was facing the devil and it was God who was protecting me. It was God pouring his strength into me to hold my family together as the devil was trying so hard to tear my family apart. It was GOD who was silently saying “GO AWAY FROM HER DEVIL! She will not back down! She will not give up on her family! She will not walk away! She is a blessed child of the Most High God and YOU CAN NOT HARM HER! SHE WILL NOT GIVE IN TO YOUR LIES!” I wasn’t a coward at all! God was working in my life and I didn’t even realize it. I was none of those lies the devil wanted me to believe I was!

Don’t let the devil have control of you! Free yourself! Trust in God to get you through tough situations. God didn’t put us on earth for our lives to be easy! It’s not a walk in the park from the day we are born! We have to realize it isn’t God forcing us into bad situations…sometimes it’s just life! It’s our own bad choices! We have free will!

God gives his love freely and unconditionally. He doesn’t FORCE Himself on us; that’s not LOVE! The devil forces himself into our lives. Through trials and tribulations, through fears, through our darkest moments…He has NO control over our life circumstance but he can send his demons to whisper in your ears during YOUR darkest moments and force you to tear yourself down. Convince you through your weakened minds to build walls, to harden your heart from loving/trusting again…Do NOT give in!

When the devil knocks you down, get back up! If he does it again, get back up! Do it in the name of Jesus! Let Jesus take the wheel and the devil will FLEE from your life!

James 4:7

“Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”

Welcome Jesus into your broken, untrusting heart and he will teach you how to love again…how to forgive…and how to trust again!

But don’t take my words for it dear friends! Open your Holy Bible and let God start to change you…one step at a time! God bless you all!

A Piece of My Testimony

There's so much more to the story...but for the sake of having more to write in this blog...I'm going to give you piece by piece...

2/19/2013

God sent me another affirmation this morning. Actually I heard pastor Greg Laurie say something on his youtube channel and then God affirmed what he said in me this morning. Pastor Laurie mentioned something along the lines of being an outcast or never really finding your “nitch” in the world. He said it was because your true life is with God and that you aren't of this world.  So God brought that phrase into my mind this morning and showed me reasons why the desires of my heart were never achieved.

Growing up I never really had a tight group of friends that lasted the ages. I mean in elementary school I kept a best friend from first grade but once we hit high school, we faded away. Then I went from best friend to best friend. Secretly I wanted to be part of the popular crowd, but I didn’t fit in with them either. I was always a pretty girl but being heavier I was never truly “liked” by the boys in my school. Over time I developed this huge crush on a football star and consumed my high school years with vying for his attention. Sure he flirted and made sexual advances but never wanted the relationship I longed for. I wasn’t part of the “it” crowd. I didn’t excel in sports. I didn’t get along with the athletes because I didn’t find them feminine enough for my taste in friends. Some of the popular girls and boys enjoyed my sense of humor but still no friendships lasted. Once people got to know me, the liked me, the problem was I still couldn’t “fit in”. I didn’t do the “cool” things like party, drink, smoke weed. Even with my own family I was always the oddball artsy one. I kept to myself locking myself up in my room. I drew, I wrote, I danced. But I never was super close with any of my sisters. We had our times of close friendships together sure, but they fizzled over time. Even to this day I feel like an outcast among them.

Even with my teenage boyfriends I didn't feel comfortable. I remember my first boyfriend Jorge, I was crazy for him. But he was so fake to me. He didn’t open up his true self to me and our relationship ended the same way he ended every other relationship before me…by finding someone new.

After that break up at 17, I became too promiscuous looking for a boyfriend to fill the pain. No one lasted. I still couldn’t understand what it was about ME that no one stood around for.

After high school I dreamed of becoming a famous dancer…that didn’t happen. Then I met up with an old friend and we started enjoying going out, clubbing, and partying. But with me becoming pregnant just months after my 21^st birthday, I didn’t fit in any more with the party goers.

When I met Michael, my now husband, I was almost 19. Unfortunately, he was just the same as the other guys I dated. Acted like he was looking right through me trying to see what “better woman” he could find. I loved him and fought for his attention more than I ever have with anyone in my entire life. But still, he didn't see me. Sure I was there and longing for his love which he took advantage of and I mistook as actual love. But God was with me in this relationship and truly gave me a love for Michael like I never experienced with any other individual in my life. Not even my own family. A love so strong that I couldn’t let him go.  There have been many people in and out of my life and I let them go easily without hesitation or looking back. But I could never do this with Michael. I never understood why until later in life, even after we had children together I couldn’t understand WHY I stood with him after everything. I mean he cheated, we fought, it was a mess. A repetitive and seemingly endless mess. 

Actually only recently have I realized why I truly stayed with Michael for so long through so much. Michael was my road to God. Simple as that but there is NOTHING simple about it. God put me through a lot of tests in that relationship and I failed a lot of them but the main test I believe God helped me persevere. Jesus is my Lord and Savior, I claim that now. I absolutely claim that now.

But let me get back to my point…Even working at a big office I didn’t always get along with the employees. Girls formed little “cliques” and I was sort of a drifter. Drifting from one group of girls to the next. I wasn’t a bar hopper so I didn’t fit in with the partiers. I wasn’t a church goer so I didn’t fit in with the Christians. I wasn’t ghetto so I didn’t fit in with the hood girls. Actually if I truly got along with any one in the office it was the younger crowd. I befriended Amy who was a super smart girl. She was intelligent and was aware of the world as I was so we could have long intelligent conversations. But soon our relationship fizzled after I left the company. I also got along with this young boy named Pedro. We were like brother and sister but once we started meddling in each other’s personal lives we realized we were TOO much like brother and sister. We annoyed each other and fought every day.

After I left there I gave being a makeup artist a try. Time after time, hustle after hustle, I tried to break it in the industry. But I wasn’t going to travel to NYC every week. I wasn’t going to step into the video vixen industry. I didn’t enjoy doing makeup for half naked women. It felt wrong in my heart. Although I still enjoy being a makeup artist, I no longer aspire to work with celebrities and models. I just want my own makeup & nail salon with regular everyday people.

I do youtube videos but even up until last week I was questioning why I can’t get as many subscribers/followers as other makeup artist…

So now I get back to my point. Pastor Greg Laurie said if you can’t find your nitch in the world, its because you are NOT of this world. And I was like…WOW! I am not of this world. I didn’t get popular in school because maybe if I had friendships that stood the tests of time, I would never have found God because I would have found my support in them. I never became a dancer , a famous mua, or anything else that would have made me accepted by the world because God wanted me to understand I was already accepted by Him. I am a spiritual being having a human experience. I don’t want to be well liked and popular in the world’s eyes. I am already loved and welcomed in God’s grace and mercy! How could I have been so blind to this even as recently as last week?! Thank you Father for affirming this within me. I now know I am on the right path and whatever you bless me with in the meantime will all just be a part of my road back home to you Lord. I love you I welcome you Lord Jesus and I am thankful for everything!