There's so much more to the story...but for the sake of having more to write in this blog...I'm going to give you piece by piece...
2/19/2013
God sent me another affirmation this morning. Actually I
heard pastor Greg Laurie say something on his youtube channel and then God affirmed what he said in me
this morning. Pastor Laurie mentioned something along the lines of being an
outcast or never really finding your “nitch” in the world. He said it was
because your true life is with God and that you aren't of this world. So God brought that phrase into my mind this
morning and showed me reasons why the desires of my heart were never achieved.
Growing up I never really had a tight group of friends that
lasted the ages. I mean in elementary school I kept a best friend from first
grade but once we hit high school, we faded away. Then I went from best friend
to best friend. Secretly I wanted to be part of the popular crowd, but I didn’t
fit in with them either. I was always a pretty girl but being heavier I was
never truly “liked” by the boys in my school. Over time I developed this huge
crush on a football star and consumed my high school years with vying for his
attention. Sure he flirted and made sexual advances but never wanted the relationship
I longed for. I wasn’t part of the “it” crowd. I didn’t excel in sports. I didn’t get along with the athletes
because I didn’t find them feminine enough for my taste in friends. Some of the
popular girls and boys enjoyed my sense of humor but still no friendships
lasted. Once people got to know me, the liked me, the problem was I still
couldn’t “fit in”. I didn’t do the “cool” things like party, drink, smoke weed.
Even with my own family I was always the oddball artsy one. I kept to myself
locking myself up in my room. I drew, I wrote, I danced. But I never was super
close with any of my sisters. We had our times of close friendships together
sure, but they fizzled over time. Even to this day I feel like an outcast among
them.
Even with my teenage boyfriends I didn't feel comfortable. I remember my first
boyfriend Jorge, I was crazy for him. But he was so fake to me. He didn’t open
up his true self to me and our relationship ended the same way he ended every
other relationship before me…by finding someone new.
After that break up at 17, I became too promiscuous looking
for a boyfriend to fill the pain. No one lasted. I still couldn’t understand
what it was about ME that no one stood around for.
After high school I dreamed of becoming a famous dancer…that
didn’t happen. Then I met up with an old friend and we started enjoying going
out, clubbing, and partying. But with me becoming pregnant just months after
my 21st birthday, I didn’t fit in any more with the party goers.
When I met Michael, my now husband, I was almost 19. Unfortunately, he was just the same as the other guys I
dated. Acted like he was looking right through me trying to see what “better
woman” he could find. I loved him and fought for his attention more than I ever have with anyone in my entire life. But still, he didn't see me. Sure I was there and longing for his love which he took
advantage of and I mistook as actual love. But God was with me in this
relationship and truly gave me a love for Michael like I never experienced with
any other individual in my life. Not even my own family. A love so strong that
I couldn’t let him go. There have been
many people in and out of my life and I let them go easily without hesitation
or looking back. But I could never do this with Michael. I never understood why
until later in life, even after we had children together I couldn’t understand WHY I stood with him after everything. I mean he cheated, we fought, it was a mess. A repetitive and seemingly endless mess.
Actually only recently have I realized
why I truly stayed with Michael for so long through so much. Michael was my
road to God. Simple as that but there is NOTHING simple about it. God put me
through a lot of tests in that relationship and I failed a lot of them but the
main test I believe God helped me persevere. Jesus is my Lord and Savior, I
claim that now. I absolutely claim that now.
But let me get back to my point…Even working at a big office
I didn’t always get along with the employees. Girls formed little “cliques” and
I was sort of a drifter. Drifting from one group of girls to the next. I wasn’t
a bar hopper so I didn’t fit in with the partiers. I wasn’t a church goer so I
didn’t fit in with the Christians. I wasn’t ghetto so I didn’t fit in with the
hood girls. Actually if I truly got along with any one in the office it was the
younger crowd. I befriended Amy who was a super smart girl. She
was intelligent and was aware of the world as I was so we could have long
intelligent conversations. But soon our relationship fizzled after I left the
company. I also got along with this young boy named Pedro. We were like brother
and sister but once we started meddling in each other’s personal lives we
realized we were TOO much like brother and sister. We annoyed each other and
fought every day.
After I left there I gave being a makeup artist a try. Time
after time, hustle after hustle, I tried to break it in the industry. But I
wasn’t going to travel to NYC every week. I wasn’t going to step into the video
vixen industry. I didn’t enjoy doing makeup for half naked women. It felt wrong
in my heart. Although I still enjoy being a makeup artist, I no longer aspire
to work with celebrities and models. I just want my own makeup & nail salon
with regular everyday people.
I do youtube videos but even up until last week I was
questioning why I can’t get as many subscribers/followers as other makeup
artist…
So now I get back to my point. Pastor Greg Laurie said if you can’t
find your nitch in the world, its because you are NOT of this world. And I was
like…WOW! I am not of this world. I didn’t get popular in school because maybe
if I had friendships that stood the tests of time, I would never have found God
because I would have found my support in them. I never became a dancer , a
famous mua, or anything else that would have made me accepted by the world
because God wanted me to understand I was already accepted by Him. I am a
spiritual being having a human experience. I don’t want to be well liked and
popular in the world’s eyes. I am already loved and welcomed in God’s grace and
mercy! How could I have been so blind to this even as recently as last week?!
Thank you Father for affirming this within me. I now know I am on the right
path and whatever you bless me with in the meantime will all just be a part of
my road back home to you Lord. I love you I welcome you Lord Jesus and I am
thankful for everything!
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